Friday, June 15, 2012

Ugly.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Which frankly, is a lame excuse for a sinful attitude.

I knew within 15 minutes of waking up that I was going to struggle.  I could sense that my temper, like some pacing, caged animal, was looking for an opportunity to get out.

It didn't take long unfortunately.

I struck again and again, with words that stung and a not so quiet voice.  They were easy prey.  When you're 12 and under what are you going to do?  And so they took it.

Every little thing, all day long.  Another opportunity to come unleashed. Even in public. Which I find completely and utterly reprehensible.  Those are the people at which my eyes hurl fiery darts. The ones I judge.

And then I was one.

All day long, over and over, the Spirit chided me.  I fought back. I ignored.  I was even angry.  I remember at one point wanting to yell, "leave me alone!".

I'm reading a book right now about thankfulness and what it means.  It's changing me. I'll share more on it in a coming post, but today that book kept popping into my head. Truthfully, lots of things were popping into my head.

Specifically, the verse I just said to my little girls yesterday about "doing unto others". (Matt 7:12)

Conviction central.

I'm trusting that it was the Holy Spirit and not the carbs I ate that finally calmed me and I was able to be decent to my children again.

I'm not exactly sure what happened today as that is so out of character for me.  I can be a grump at times, but today I was out of control.  So much so that I came home and checked side effects on a new medicine I had started taking for my foot. Nothing.

Chalk it up to good old fashioned sin.

Ugly, ugly, ugly sin.

I would be foolish not to realize that my heart, while it is changing, being softened and molded, is very realistically under attack.  The devil knows and he sees and it makes him seriously unhappy.  So he wreaked havoc with it today.  He won. At least for a little while.

He picked the wrong thing to use against me though.

You see, while my children may get on my nerves at times, they are also one of the things in my life that make me happiest.  I love them almost more than I love oxygen.  The only reason I love oxygen more is because it allows me to keep breathing long enough so I can keep seeing my children. (Actually that's God that gave me the oxygen to breath, but you know what I mean. I hope.)

Using my children against me only gives God the advantage because my children are also one of the things that God uses to draw me closer to Him.

I may have allowed the devil to use me to verbally batter my children for a large portion of the day, but in the end, the Holy Spirit finally allowed me to see the how unholy I was being. And He changed my heart.

He did that!  Right in the middle of the mall!  Right before I consumed a large portion of carbs!  I'm sure my girls didn't care if it was the Holy Spirit or the pretzel, they were just glad to have their momma back!

And so was I.

Now the hard, unfinished business I have left to do is to apologize to them, individually. One of the hardest parts of parenting is apologizing to my children.  I admit, it doesn't always happen enough. Admitting my sin and asking forgiveness, that is.

I was wrong today.

I was SO wrong.

I was sinful.

If I expect my children to not yell at others and if I expect my children to apologize to others and if I expect my children to be Jesus to others, than it is my responsibility to be Jesus to them.

Wow.

Gosh that's hard. But man, am I thankful that God keeps chiseling away at me and my almost 43 year old self.  Because I know that he began a good work in me and He will finish that work.  And hopefully, one day, I get to look at my children as adults and watch God use their children to teach them.  That would be so cool.

So take that, devil.

4 comments:

  1. Tearing up over here, because I understand. I am amazed at how much he still loves me even on my "ugliest" days. And then I'm reminded of how much my Saviour keeps loving me after the years of "ugly" I've given Him. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I needed this to remind me to lean upon Him this morning. Love you for being 'real', friend.

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  2. I cried when I read this. I was like this myself one day this week. I was too tired to yell, but I did say things that weren't nice,and when my poor kiddo was trying so hard just to help me keep things running in this house. I know mine was the anti-biotics I was on that put me in that mood, but the acting on the mood: that was pure sin.

    You are right, apologizing is not easy, but the great thing: Kids are so often so Christlike in this area of forgiveness. We ask and they do and they are so glad that we are all ok. Love that about kids.

    Don't beat yourself up. Give yourself a hug for taking a bad thing and turning it into the reminder for us all! Love you, girl, and I LOVE your blog!! :)

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  3. This sin is repeated by most of us at one time or another. Hopefully we learn from it, apologize and accept the forgiveness of the one we wronged. I am encouraged to know I am not the only one who has done this! Love you, Michelle!

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  4. Been there too many times already.

    BTW, love that you're back to blogging again!

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