Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The Good, the Bad and the Downright Ugly.

I just need to say it...

I'm discouraged, y'all.

For the first time in 7 months, I am really discouraged. I can only imagine how my husband feels. I woke up this morning and I knew it had hit me and I've just struggled all day long.

(In case you haven't figured it out...I'm starting with the 'downright ugly' portion. That's for the slow folks in the crowd.)

I'm not saying I'm mad at God because I'm not. Not in any way, shape or form. If anything, I feel as if my relationship with God has grown exponentially through this trial.  He is good. All the time. Period.  He has grown us, He has proved Himself faithful over and over again. He has opened our eyes in ways we never thought possible.  Our selfish hearts have been changed for good and we honestly are thankful for it.

Before all of this happened, I prayed for Jesus to change my heart. To not only make me love Him more, but to make me burn with a desire to love Him and serve others.

And that's what I get for praying.

Relax...I'm kidding.

I won't say that I regret this whole job situation happening. I just won't. It has done too much good in our lives. A good that we want to carry on, pass along and use as a testimony to God's goodness.  And I believe with all of my heart that we will be able to share our experience with others for no other reason than to give God the glory for all of it.

But today? I'm tired and I'm discouraged. I've picked up some extra work other than photography to help and try get our house payment under control and I am just physically worn out. I cried and prayed on the way home from a session today, begging God to show my husband a job soon. Very soon. My spirit is waning and my body is weary.

And that's just me. You can only imagine how Monk feels.

The other morning I got into the burb to leave for this extra work I'm doing, when he came out to me to kiss me goodbye. He then looked at me and told me he was sorry. Sorry. I wanted to weep.  I hurt for him. I hurt every day for him. He wants to work and I am beyond thankful for that. He is not only feeling lost and discouraged, but I can tell he's just anxious.  Anxious for answers, not understanding why nothing is happening on the job front. It's completely new territory for him.  Have I told you he's not a very big fan of change?

Anyway, please continue to pray for us.  Pray specifically for him to find a job...SOON! Pray for our spirits. Pray that we can get out house payment under control.  I can't even entertain the idea of losing our home. I realize it's becoming a possibility, but I can't even let the thought enter my head. I've raised my children here and I won't give it up easily.

So that was the downright ugly. Do y'all even want to hear the bad?

My garden has not grown one, single iota. As in nothing. We had a late freeze that took out all of my tomatoes. One little straggler has decided to pull a miracle and has come back to life. I've named him Lazarus. My sugar snap pea survived, but N-O-N-E of my seeds sprouted. My hillbilly ancestors are rolling in their graves.


This could be because every dog known to man ran through the garden while it was still fragile. Maggie dug in it. A stray dog peed in it. And laid in it. Our gardening failures are starting to rack up and it is ticking me off. Anyway, I'm hoping to perform some CPR this weekend and see what I can manage to grow in spite of the dog's best efforts to kill it.

And now for the good stuff.  The very, very good stuff!

I love to read, y'all. I haven't had much time to read, but I do love it. I like fiction (Stephen King is one of my favorites because I am a freak like that), biographies, books on health and many others. About the only thing I don't read is books on organization. Those books are written by Type A personalities and my free-wheeling, color loving, creative, ADD brain just can't deal with it.

Take one look at my house and it's evident.

But THIS book!  This book is wrecking my life! In a good way!

Jen Hatmaker's blog is one of my very favorites to read. And her FB page is pretty awesome too.  Why? Because she speaks truth! In love and hilarity. She's brutally honest, she's real and she will have you doing the ugly cry in 2.7 seconds.  The book couldn't have come at a better time for me. It has been a bright spot in a dark place.  It's content is serious, but it has taken my focus off of my situation and put in on my heart.

I'm not gonna lie. It's radical. It will absolutely make you do a double take at the way you have viewed and treated your Christianity. It will make you ashamed. It will inspire you. And it will make you laugh.  This girl? She's good people and I'm going to claim her has my little sister I always wanted.

Go read it. You won't regret it.

I am, however, going to regret staying up this late.  I have to get up and go to a real world job in the morning. I am so not the 9-5 girl. I like my mornings slow. I like to stay in my jammies and drink coffee until 11. Now I have to be up, bathed, dress and out the door before 8:30.

It goes against my very natural, y'all.

That's the nice way to say...I'm not a morning person.

And as long and prosper.