Big Stuff...

I have such guilt over the fact that I haven't written here in so long.  Not that I'm obligated to do so, but more so over the fact that I was so excited about once again documenting our life and then I just .... didn't.

It wasn't so much so that I didn't want to.  I mean after all, I still have about 4 blog posts sitting in my queue. It's more that time once again got away from me and once again, I just can't manage a business and a life.

So here I am.  It's 1:00 am and I find myself tired and restless.  Not sure if my desire for sleep or my desire to talk is more necessary.  And I guess in this instance it would be my desire to type.  Either way... girlfriend has got to get some words out!

I am happy to report that the Lord is at work in my life.  He's at work in my family's life as well, but this post is specific as to His work in my own life.

This is a big deal, y'all.

I can honestly say that I've spent possibly the last 4 years being angry with God.  Not angry enough to walk away from my faith, but angry enough to avoid a meaningful relationship.  Angry enough to not pray. Angry enough to not read His Word. Angry enough to avoid any sort of spiritual encounter.  If Jesus were on Facebook, I would have unfriended Him.

In case you missed it...I was a little angry.

As in all cases with Jesus, it was all a part of His plan. He was getting me to where I needed to be so He could do His thing. Part of that was getting Monk and I into a church where we just heard the Gospel.  Nothing more, nothing less.  His Word. God Breathed. It was through the teaching that my heart began to soften and walls came down.  The fists unclenched and my heart began to heal.  And let me clarify...by teaching, I mean actual teaching from the Word.  Not topical 'how to live your best life now' sermons.  I'm talking honest to goodness exegesis of the Bible.

During this last year and under that amazing biblical teaching was when the decision came to step away from my business.  We were in the book of Jonah.  And all along I thought Jonah was just about a fish. Who knew?

And that decision was a catalyst.  Jesus became real to me again. Prayer became real to me again. The Word became real to me again. Worship was real again.

And then we missed a month of Sundays because of illness.

And then my husband lost his job.

And then I had to take on twice the business.

And then we have no health insurance.

And then bright orange lights light up in the dashboard on a 'new to us' vehicle.

And then....life just happens.

Oh devil...you sly boy.

All of that and here I sit unwavering.  Believing and trusting in the Sovereignty of God. Knowing He has this.  All of it.

This is where the Big Stuff is.  The stuff I can share and the stuff I can't share.  The stuff I want to talk about so desperately, but the stuff I feel needs to be kept between me and Jesus for just a little longer.  The stuff that Jesus is doing in my life.

I realize this is all so very vague and part of me wants to apologize and part of me wants to savor it.  But the time is not right to share all of what the Lord is doing, but I just wanted to share with y'all that there is big stuff going on in my life.

Stuff that terrifies me and excites me all at the same time.  Stuff that just requires a LOT of prayer.  We need your prayers.  For a lot of things.  Some good and some not so good, but we do need them.

If I were on Facebook right now y'all would tell me I'm Vaguebooking.  I know I am. Frankly, I sound a little psychotic. Some of you would say, 'this is different from normal, how?'.  This IS different, I promise.

It's good. It's all good. And it's big stuff. God stuff.

43.

Age is a funny thing.

We spend our childhood wanting nothing BUT to be older. We usually enjoy our 20's and 30's while not appreciating them and then inevitably, want the clock to slow waaay down once 40 starts showing up on our radar.

Me, personally?  I'm good.

I remember turning 40 and going into an all out panic because I was 40! My life was so over. Where's the cemetery plot.

Phtfffffffff. Whatever.

I turned 43 this year and frankly, I wear it as a badge of honor.  I've managed to raise two kids now who, by the grace of God alone, are pretty decent human beings with an above average (I believe) moral compass.  And they only need occasional therapy.

I still have 4 more under my roof, so the opportunity to completely screw those 4 up is still in the cards, however I don't stress about it near as much as I did 20 years ago when I only had one under my roof.  This is one of the joys of being over 40.

I now have the freedom to not give a rat's patooty what other people think of me.  Especially other mothers. Am I perfect? Why yes. Yes I am. Oh I kid...of course I'm not.  My little girls don't go to bed on time..EVER, my 3 1/2 year old still wets herself on a daily basis and it's not unheard of that I will, on occasion, throw out a bribe to get the girls to do things for me.

Does this make me a bad mother?

I guess that depends on who you're talking to. As for me, I'm not really concerned with what others think.  Here's why: I have enough age and experience under my belt to know that 1. my little girls will eventually start getting more regular in their bedtime routine. 2. Charlie will get completely potty trained at some point. I've yet to have a 4 year old pee pee pants. And 3. There is nothing wrong with kids occasionally making a little money on the side. Especially when mom has had it and needs a break.

I realize that this line of thinking has some people gasping... and that's okay. Take a few deep breaths, put your head between your legs if you have to and then tell yourself "It's going to be okay" about 3 times.

Feel better?

See, here's the thing.  Once upon a time, a long time ago, I let other people steal my joy away from me where my children were concerned, where my house was concerned, where my spiritual level was concerned and even where my marriage was concerned.  I spent so much time comparing myself to this person and that person that I wasn't taking the opportunity to enjoy what the good Lord had put right before me!

Age and experience have given me not only the confidence, but the sense to realize that time is fleeting and we've only got one shot at this life so why spend one more minute comparing ourselves to someone else?  Here's a tip: we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Or outside of blogs.

mmmhhhmmm...stepped on some toes there.

Really now girls (yes, I'm speaking to the ladies here). STOP. WITH. THE. COMPARING.  Enjoy your babies! Enjoy your little laugh lines! Enjoy the experience that comes with age! I won't say you have to enjoy your gray hair, because I certainly don't enjoy mine and take every opportunity possible to color and highlight it.

Some things are meant to be colored. Hair is one of them.

All of that to say this: 43 doesn't bother me. 44 won't either and neither will 45. Besides, I've got enough on my plate at this very moment without worrying about what 44 will look like. I suspect however, that it will look much like 43 with the exception of the fact that I will finally have a pair of glasses with bifocals built in.

Losing the ability to read things at a normal distance sucks as you get older. This I will not sugar coat nor deny. Never make fun of some one who wears bifocals. It will come back to bit you in the butt....in spades.

I'm sorry I ever made fun of you, Mrs. Riffee. Please know that God, does in fact, have a sense of humor.

Anyway, the 43rd birthday was uneventful.  It was spent with my family, which is pretty much the way I like it best.

I did make my own cake because Monk forgot to order one.  I used Trader Joe's chocolate cake mix which was to die for and then I made my own homemade chocolate buttercream, which was to die for as well. No lie.

Monk and the girls bought me a Keurig, but I don't think I like it. The  coffee is SOOO unbelievably strong. Anyone else have one and like it? Don't like it? Any helpful coffee tips?

My day in the pictures is forthcoming...and in case you're wondering...my birthday is on July 4th which is why everyone is in red, white and blue.

And yes, I love my birthday.  My mom was having a 'blast' when I was born. I was a little 'firecracker'. I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy.  I've heard them all.  And I still like them.

I might have sort of went a little overboard in cake pictures. You want cake now, don't you?

Sometimes, photography props work great around the house. 

This kid melts my buttah...

 

The single best reason to celebrate...my children.

Aging isn't a terrible thing.

Well except the whole bifocal thing...that's bad. Really bad.

Age is just the natural progression of life.  And as with most things, one's perception of  it will pretty much determine how much one enjoys it.

Me?  I'll be the old lady with the bright red lipstick and leopard purse the size of a tank. I  won't be growing old quietly.

All that to say this: I'm not old. I don't consider myself old. Frankly, I'm fairy immature for most women in their 40's.  I'm okay with that.  I do consider myself experienced and wiser and for me...that's awesome.

You know that whole hind sight is 20/20 thing?

It's true.

So Much to Say, So Little Time to Say It...

When I went to type the 'blogger' website, I actually typed in Booger.com.

That is for real truth.  It's been that kind of week.

This week isn't shaping up to be much different. I have a total of 4 (FOUR!) different posts that I've started. One of them involves 25 pictures. And another one is a DIY. I'm not even kidding. I simply have not had the time to post.  I'm only doing it now because I feel like I will lose my ever lovin' mind if don't say something.

We will also be leaving for vacation next Sunday so I am furiously working to be completely caught up on editing before we leave.  I'm also hoping that while I'm gone I can be wonder blogger and dazzle you people with lots of wordy, picture-y posts.

I'm not sure if I will have time to post much, if anything, this week. This bums me out.  But on top of all the editing I have to do, I also have a birth I will need to shoot this week.  And there's this little matter of my 43rd birthday.

I'll be 43 years old on July 4th. Where in the heck did the time go, y'all?

And that's another post I want to do! so make that five posts I have in my head. If y'all know anything at all about being over 40, you know that my brain simply cannot handle all of this information.  Just like my bladder cannot handle excessive laughter.  But that story is for another time.

Here's a little sneaky peeky at one of the sessions I did this past week.  I no longer have a photography blog and sometimes I just wanna share.  I figure most of you can appreciate a little maternity photography, right?

As long as it's not me!

And this?  This is definitely not me. 

We were sweating buckets for this session.  Texas heat is ridiculous sometimes, but this beautiful momma was a trooper. And she brought the cool chair. I wanted to push her down and bring it home with me. But I didn't.

Also, this past week Charlie bit Hopie in the butt. I'll tell more of that story later, but I found this picture tonight from the girl's swim class this last week and I couldn't resist throwing it in Photoshop and adding my little touch to it.

Because I'm so mature and all.

Gotta love my Charlie Bug. She keeps life interesting. And seriously? Would anyone ever want to get bit in the hiney by those teeth?!

(If you're an orthodontist and you're reading this AND you feel sorry for us concerning our 3 year olds teeth....we will totally take an orthodontic donation. Just sayin'...)

Hopefully I'll be back to with a post on getting older, but if I'm not...y'all have a fantastic 4th of July!

Brave - A Review

*There is possible SPOILERS in this post, so be prepared!* Nothing that gives it away, but mostly story line discussion.

Let me just say, the four Littles and I have been very excited about Disney Pixar's new film, Brave.  I am all over a movie about a feisty girl with out of control red, curly hair!  Like I would know anything about that!

For months we've have counted down until this movie came out.  We really had intended on going to opening day and then the unthinkable happened....my 19 year old Maddie went to the midnight showing.

She came over the next day and informed me that it was dumb, somewhat boring, scary and inappropriate. WHA?!! I was crushed, to say the least.  More so for the four Littles because we had been so excited and now, I had serious doubts about the movie.

We decided to wait a few days and see what the general buzz was around the Internet.  After some more contemplation & some positive reviews, I decided to go ahead and take the bigger girls to see it and left the two little ones at home with Monk for the evening.

Let me just say this about the movie... I loved it!!

That's what I get for trusting the opinion of a 19 year old.  Not to diss her (okay, maybe a little), BUT...I can see where she wouldn't totally 'get' the theme of the movie.

In the previews, we are led to believe that the movie is about young Merida's quest for freedom.  This is definitely in the story line, but it's most definitely not the main story line of the movie.

The main story line of the movie is mostly about the mother/daughter relationship.  I originally wanted to say mother/child, but now I'm not so sure that's appropriate.  I really think the mother/daughter relationship is very strong and evident in the movie.

As the mother of 5 girls....let me repeat that... As the mother of FIVE girls, I totally GOT this movie!  I could relate in every way!  Well, except for the whole Scottish queen/princess/ride a horse/ marry a man who wears a skirt sort of thing.

And in the end? I cried.  Because I would have done exactly what Merida's mother did...defend my children no matter what the situation and the possible outcome.

Here are my following opinions and observations on the movie in general.  In bullet form, of course.

• As per usual, the animation was outstanding.  It was hard to believe the scenery was actually animation - just beautiful!  And Merida's hair?  OH. MY. LANTA. I wanted it! I wanted one of my daughter's to have it! Totally in love with her. :)
• Merida had a strong relationship with her father and a strained relationship with her mother.  Some could interpret this as a weak father role sort of thing, but I would disagree with that. Merida just  had her father's personality and he understood her. 
• I believe the movie had a great example of a girl who rebelled and then repented.
• I believe it also showed how parents need to listen to their children and that those relationships can be repaired.
• There was a lot of humor involving Merida's rambunctious red-headed little brothers. They were all boy and kept my girl's (and ME!) in stitches with their boy antics.
• The movie has some scary scenes that involve a bear. I was glad that the two smallest Littles weren't there with me. It was pretty intense and even scared Liv a little.
• There is magic in the movie - as in most Disney movies.
• There is some nudity involving male rear ends. I didn't find it offensive although I can see where some might. This is what Maddie deemed offensive. It was pertinent to the scene, however.
• There is also a scene involving a woman's bosoms, but again, it was more funny than it was offensive. There is no nudity.  It is just a scene where it is 'implied' as to what happens.
• The mother and father loved one another very much, which was nice to see.
• Merida loves her brothers and got along with them. Also nice to see.
• I was very glad that this movie didn't involve a prince. Some may see it as a form of some sort of feminism, but it was more about Merida's desire to find love on her own and not be forced into a relationship she was not ready for.

And that's it!  Would I see it again? Absolutely?  Will I buy it when it comes out on DVD? Absolutely! 

It made me look at my relationships with my daughters and realize that they all aren't going to be like me or do what I want them to all the time.  And I'm okay with that.  It also made me realize that I would go to the ends of the earth to defend them in any way I needed to.

And that, my friends?  Is good stuff!

Now to just figure out how to make them all have giant heads of outrageously red, curly hair...

Summer Fun Fridays...the test run.

I hope this works.  The whole Summer Fun Friday thing.  I'm not one for routine and pretty much consider myself a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda girl.  When I get the whim to write about something, I don't usually follow the rules.

Come to think of it, I was a lot like that in college too.

And maybe in high school..

Anyyyyway...

I really wanted to just dedicate Fridays to some of the fun things we do - on. the. cheap.

Yep.  Monk works hard for the money and since I've cut my business way back our summer fun must be affordable. And we're saving every dime we can to go on VACATION in less than 3 weeks!

One the single cheapest things I've done to provide easy entertainment for my girls for the last 3 years is go to Wally World every spring and buy a cheap kiddie pool. Not the cheapest pool, not the most expensive, but the middle of the road plastic pool.

I'm not one for visiting the old WW store as I find it about as enjoyable as shaving my legs with a rusty razor, BUT they do make a very effective, affordable, fairly sturdy kiddie pool.

And my girls LOVE it.

I usually pick up some goggles, bubbles and floaty toys and they're pretty much set.

Then usually around late August, the morbidly hot Texas sun manages to warp the plastic pool beyond repair and it gets retired.  Last year it became a leaf pool in the late fall/early winter and the girls had a ball jumping in leaves.

Not bad for a $16 investment.

Lots of hot summer days are spent in this pool. I throw in some poolside snacks and it becomes a couple hours of fun.

Photographic evidence of poolside fun

(I sure wish I could get these pictures bigger...)

And there you have it.  My first every Summer Fun Friday.  It felt sort of contrived. Was it sort of lame?  Exciting? Boring? Are you mocking me?  

I'm sort of mocking myself so that one wouldn't surprise me.  

And I hate my pictures being so small. 

Feeling Quippy

Okay. So 'quippy' is totally not a word, but look at it this way...I just made a new one!

Ever since I joined bloggy land with the Internets many, many moons ago, I've always wanted to host one of those cute, themed, particular-day-of-the-week posts that everyone looks forward to.  You know, 'Wordless Wednesday' - which never worked for me, by the way because I always have something to say Or how about Works-for- Me Wednesday where everyone shares ... well..what works for them!  I'm not sure why I picked two Wednesday things, but you get my drift.

Anyway, I debated and debated and debated, ate some pistachios and debated some more.

(I've realized that I'm much too immature to come up with something legit.)

I would think of things like:

Moron Monday where we talk about those morons we've encountered over the previous week and weekend.  Not very Christian-like I'm afraid.  Fun, but totally not spiritual. (My friend Anita is saying, "DANG" right now. She would've loved that one.)

Terrific Tuesdays. Much too happy. And what if Tuesday actually sucked a little.

We Cleaned Something Wednesdays. Nah.

Theological Thursdays. Now...before you snort your Cheerios, hear me out.

I kind of liked this one. You know, take a day to tone it down, open up discussion about things, give my thoughts on particular subjects, etc..  The problem was that it seemed very contrived.  If the Spirit leads me to say something, I want to be willing to write about it and say it. But what I don't want is to be sweating over my computer keys like some pimply faced seminary kid trying to finish a term paper on Paedobaptism vs. Credobaptism - To Dunk or Not to Dunk. If it's forced it's just not worth it.

And I bet y'all are totally Googling what paedobaptism and credobaptism are, huh?  HA!

And lastly, I thought about...

Summer Fun Friday. And I liked it.  I realized that I would change it during the the Fall, Winter and Spring, but I liked it.  It would be and easy, laid back post, one on which to head into the weekend. And so I edited some pictures of the girls and arranged them just so and got them all ready to post on Summer Fun Friday... and then...

...realized it was Thursday!


The worst part about the whole thing? The worst part was sitting here really trying to figure out what day of the week it was. For about 10 minutes. No lie.

So now I've changed my mind and think I'll start calling it Stupid Things You Do Over Forty Fridays. Half my readers would totally get it and the other half would probably just say ....'Eww'.

I'll be back Friday with my legitimate Summer Fun Friday post, but for now I need to go look for my glasses.

Which will probably be on top of my head.

Taken by my Birdie age 3. :)

The Not-So-Father's Day

Originally, I had planned on doing a big Father's Day post.

I took lots of pictures of the girls making their cards and I took several Father's Day shots and totally planned on putting a post out there to honor the man I love and whom my little girls call daddy.  It was (and will be eventually) a really happy post.

But things took an abrupt turn for me and I needed to write it down.  Get it out. Let it go.

While my amazing husband tells folks he has 6 children, he biologically only has 4. He's a step-father to my two oldest.

Some of you may not know this, many of you do, but I was married once before.

The man I married 23 years ago gave me two beautiful children.  He then left me when they were 3 & 4 years old.  In reality, he left them too.  Once he left, he moved 5 hours away and my children saw him pretty much once a month for the majority of their childhood with  week long visits scattered here and there in between.  By the time they were teenagers they saw him even less.

Monk, my amazing husband of 14 years now, did his very best to be a father to my kids. He loved them like his own, tried to be a part of their lives and in a very real sense, tried to make up for what they had lost. While his efforts were genuine, the reality was that he wasn't their dad.  Conflicts happen in all blended families and ours was no different. When kids get about 11 & 12 years old...they just know it's not the same.

For years I tried to protect their hearts.  When their dad didn't call or visits didn't go well I tried to reassure them and put things in the best light possible. I admit that as they got older I said things I probably shouldn't have.  Not in any way to try and degrade their dad to them, but because I was hurt for them.

And that's what I did for 16 long years.  I hurt for them.

They are now 19 & 20. The don't live with me anymore.  They are adults (for the most part lol!) and they now deal with their dad on their own terms.  Many times in their childhood or teen years if I saw that they were hurting over him I would call him and persuade him to try and right things.

I don't do that anymore since it's not necessary for us to communicate any longer.  And now I watch them hurt.  I watch them, with the expectation that things will be different, and then see the disappointment that happens when it's not.

My heart aches.

Today has been hard for them.  The relationship they want and the relationship they have are worlds apart.  A man that doesn't see the gift  he has in his children that want a relationship with him.

On a day that has been so wonderful for my own husband and my 4 little girls, has been hard for my two oldest children.  There is a hole in their hearts and they don't know how to fill it. And as tears roll hot down my cheeks, I admit I cannot fill that hole either.

And yet again...I hurt for them.

I know they have a Father that can fill that hole.  He can give them peace and comfort and joy and happiness. He can change their heart and show them forgiveness.  He can allow them to forgive. He can show them how to be thankful in the hard stuff.

But tonight, the lump in my throat and the pain in my heart are still very much present.  I hate not being able to make things right.  I grieve because they hurt.

They are strong, those two.  Both in will and in determination. And for that, I am extremely thankful. But as a mother, I know they say they are fine, but I also know there is a sense of loss in their heart.

And what can I do?

I can be there for them. I can love them. And I can pray for them.

But I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to stop hurting for them.